An experience I've had

Hey fam', I'm back! It's Shawn Barclay, here to share an experience I had, here in prison the other day. I hope it'll cause you to reevaluate your perception, both of so-called "bad things" that happen in your life, as well as the 'discipline of God', and realize that --IF YOU'RE A SAVED AND BAPTIZED,BELIEVING CHRIST-FOLLOWER-- perhaps, it could be the loving discipline of a loving Heavenly Father, reminding you of your Heavenly adoption into the family of God/Jesus, and let the experience spur you to swift Godly remorse and repentance, and reorienting your heart and mind toward Him. After all, He disciplines those whom are His, so if you're w/o discipline, you mustn't be His, and that's a sad and dangerous place to be, especially these days! 

So, I have a very disrespectful,and difficult neighbor here in seg, on the Robertson Unit, in TDCJ,and while I am a christian (I renounced my bisexuality and gender fluidity, and rededicated my life to Jesus!), I am human and thus, fallible. So, I stumble much! But, I am striving to be more Christlike, and live according to His Will, and Word. 

Anyway, he (my neighbor) and I were arguing b/c our personalities clash. He is a gang member (a lifestyle I used to think was cool, AS A YOUNG TEEN, and now I have zero respect for), and he said SOME STUPID MESS about putting it on his gang that he would do this or that nonsense, and I popped off some disrespectful words about his gang, and what they could go do, and some other things. I was wrong, and out of line, I know! 

Anyway, I was watching Real Vida TV (the episode called: "A piece of Bread, a Ramen Noodle, a Graham Cracker, and a Ritz"; SEE ALSO: EPISODES: "A Glimpse @ the End Times"; and "The Storm Is Here: End Times 2"!), where they were partaking of Communion. I SO BADLY wanted to partake, but I could not w/o doing so unworthily, and bringing sickness and condemnation down upon me, b/c I was holding onto unforgiveness and resentment toward my neighbor, who also CLAIMS TO BE A BELIEVER (OF COURSE, SATAN IS A BELIEVER TOO)! 

So instead, I wept bitter tears of shame and guilt(WHICH ARE NOT FROM GOD, BUT SATAN!), wanting to make peace w/my neighbor, and repent, but my STUPID PRIDE got in the way, and wouldn't let me! (PROVERBS 16:18 "PRIDE GOETH BEFORE DESTRUCTION")! I was awakened by my neighbor coming back from shower, calling me, and spraying my cell down W/URINE when I answered! I couldn't even get angry, b/c IMMEDIATELY, I was convicted of my PRIDE, and unwillingness to be the first to apologize and make peace, so I wept MORE bitter tears. 

Needless to say, I swallowed my stupid PRIDE and made peace w/my neighbor AND GOD, and thanked God for His discipline. THEN, I went and partook of Communion!{:-) LESSON LEARNED!(SEE: JOB 5:17; PROVERBS 3:11-12; and Hebrews 12:4-6, PLEASE)! 

SO NOW, MY NEIGHBOR IS PISSED @ ME B/C I WILL NOT PASS ANYTHING THAT IS DRUG RELATED, OR IS BEING USED TO MAKE A DRUG DEAL, INCLUDING WRITTEN NOTES, B/C THEY CAN CONTAIN DRUGS, AND ALSO NO TABLETS, B/C GUYS ARE PURCHASING OTHERS TABLETS W/ACCESS TO GAMES, ETC., AND ALSO USING THEM (VIA THE PHONE APP), TO SET UP CASH APPS FOR DRUG DEALS! HE IS THREATENING TO THROW FECES/URINE ON ME NOW, B/C I WON'T CONTRIBUTE TO HIS, OR ANYONE ELSE'S K2 ADDICTION, OR OTHER DRUGS, DUE TO MY CONVICTIONS! I'VE BEEN VERY VOCAL AGAINST DRUGS -ESPECIALLY K2- IN HERE. AND EVERYONE HATES ME, AND THINKS I AM A NARC, AND A SNITCH, JUST B/C I'VE BEEN VOCAL AGAINST THE DRUGS! NOW, WE'RE ON A MAJOR LOCKDOWN DUE TO A MULTITUDE OF DRUG RELATED HOMICIDES AND SUICIDES,WHICH IS UNACCEPTABLE! 

SO,while my neighbor and I still aren't talking, @least it's for a good and Godly reason! 

PLEASE,ANYONE READING THIS,WILL YOU PLEASE WRITE ME @:
Shawn Barclay #899733
Robertson Unit
P.O.Box 660400
Dallas,Texas 75226-0400 

...IT'S TERRIBLY LONELY IN HERE! 

Thank you and God Bless!

Revised introduction

 Okay Fam, here it is. First, I pray your holidays have been blessed, safe, and full of joy and contentment. So this is Bella, and yes, I'm still a bisexual, transwoman, whose gender expression is fluid. However, this is a result of the spiritual warfare I succumbed to when i was originally heterosexual, cis-male, and Christian, but had not wanted to trust in and wait on God for companionship His way, and so I went against all I believed in -- and His Word -- and became queer to find companionship my way in my time, thus, my struggle began.

My introduction and blog, I feel has gotten off on the wrong start because I wa trying to have it conform to what may be most relevant and interesting to my readers. However, my desire had ever been for it to be a live journal of my daily prison life, my experiences, and struggles, with the hope that I would a) attract many new penpals, ans b) make new friends/connections; and c) that hopefully through my trials and tribulations and my open transparency about my double minded struggle, someone may find solutions to aid in their own journey to wholeness mentally/emotionally and spiritually, and/or that it would help them to find the courage to be open about their own mental/emotional health struggle, knowing that: it's OK both to be broken and to be vulnerable.

It's my hope, herein, to exemplify that when we are obedient, bearing our Cross and denying ourselves, in faithful submission to God, even when/if it hurts, that God too, is always good and always faithful.

So yes, I'm LGBTQI and an eclectic, solitary, and druidic witch-aspirant. But I will be 100? Honest: it is my hopes that God will bring me to a place of faithfulness and trust in Him, as I colabor with Him obediently, so that he can restore me to my masculine hetero-cis-manhood, and gentlemanly chivalry I once aspired and strove to exemplify.

But be you LGBTQI+, or hetero, or trans, Christian, Pagan, Muslim or otherwise, i love, respect, and embrace you all; and it is my highest hope to know you, network with you, communicate with you, and hopefully be an inspiration, encouragement and both teacher and pupil, through example. It is my heartfelt desire that via my open struggles, as I work out my faith with reverence (fear) and trembling before God, and you all, as you all see God interact with me and see my life change and improve, hopefully, you too will be encouraged and inspired to give God another try, or for the first time, but sincerely and as a result, that some of you will come to faith, and a love relationship with Jesus, God's son, and the best friend any of us could have.

But trust me, I'm up and I'm down, hot and cold, because spiritual warfare is real and walking by faith and not by sight is not easy, nor for the faint of heart. So some days, you'll feel you're hearing from Bella, others from Shawn, a.k.a. Sylinse, as though I am two different people, but I'm not. Bella and Shawn are two sides to the same person: one, the effeminate, witchy, queer tranny, Bella; the other, the masculine, sic-male, and spiritual warrior Christian, Shawn, fighting and struggling to live for God, and faithfully pursue His Will and Calling upon my life. Somedays I stumble, some days I'm victorious. But God is faithful and always present, and always at work, and never changes. God is good... ALL THE TIME, and always at work.

Just so you know: I'm presently taking three Book courses to better myself, and share them here with you now:

1. The Bridges to Life Program, in tandem with the Book: Restoring Peace;
2. Experiencing God Workbook
3. Discipleship Essentials Workbook

I really hope to hear from you all, receive input, encouragement, and hear your own struggles, concerns and testimonies. It is my hope that you know that I care, sincerely, and deeply desire to hear from and know you, and for you to know me.

Please email me at: bellasprisonpen@gmail.com to receive my snail mail address and JPay coordinates. If you write and you don't mind, please send pictures. And please, always be sure to provide your contact info so I can reply to you via email or snail mail. I love you all. Please have a blessed, safe, healthy, and happy New Year -- namaste.

Love, peace, joy, and solidarity

Shawn B.

a.k.a. Bella

a.k.a. Sylinse

Is the death penalty a deterrent?

"As I near my rental car, a couple of reporters from the witness room start shouting questions at me. Do I really believe the death penalty is a deterrent?"

From the character Penn Cage in Greg Iles' book The Quiet Game, Chapter 20, ©1999.

 Greetings loved ones. And yes, to me, if you're in the free world and taking time out of your busy lives to read my pathetic and ignorant attempts at blogging, in hopes to connect with free world, civilized society, then you are, in fact, loved ones to me. I'm deeply touched and thankful for your readership. I just wish that your interest extended to corresponding with me personally. But I digress.

While reading Mr. Greg Iles novel, The Quiet Game, I ran across the question above, which a reporter at the viewing of a lethal injection upon a convicted racist hate-crime murderer, asks the ex-prosecuting attorney-turned author the question, and I was compelled to ask myself the same.

As you all must know from reading my blog, I'm unfortunately imprisoned myself with a life sentence for a 1st degree murder which I've hated myself for and my soul has been tormented over ever since.

My feelings and thoughts regarding the deterrence, as well as the justice, or lack thereof, are dubious, at best. It is an uncomfortable topic for me to discuss, because I believe I deserved the death sentence for my crime -- i.e. until I think about the kind of person I truly was and am, and how uncharacteristic of me my crime was, and having been the one and only violent offence I've ever committed in my life. But that's not the point.

Is the death penalty a deterrent? Astoundingly. I must say that I suspect not. Why?  Because, in my case, my mind was focused on committing a senseless murder which I never wanted to commit in the first place, but felt entrapped and forced to. I was terrified and heartbroken at what I was doing even before and as I went through with it.

But I can honestly say, of all the jumbled drug and alcohol-hazed thoughts in my mind at that terrible time, I do not recall the prospect of receiving the death penalty, or even the realistic specter of being apprehended and arrested, let alone convicted, ever being upon my mind that night, save for some subconscious, vague fear in the back of my mind which my psyche wasn't ready to process, yet. You'd have thought quite the contrary, huh? I would have.

As it stands, as absurd as the notion is, I suspect folk committing such violent -- or any -- crime, rarely, initially even stop to consider the consequences and repercussions of their actions until after the fact. Some idiots, foolishly, not even then. There is no rhyme or reason to what's going through a soon-to-be killer's mind. I have no idea how my life led me to that path for I've always been pro-life and particularly and emphatically protective of women, the elderly, and children. Yet there I was, going through a crime which caused my mind/psyche even then to rebel and the thought. And the thought that I may end up with the death penalty had yet to breach my psyche, or conscience.

All I could think was "what the hell am I doing?" And ,"I hate Jessica for getting me into this mess!"

So, I guess it is not much of a deterrent. It should be; you'd think it would be. So I'll go further and say: is it just? Yes, brutally and heartlessly so, but yes. But, least you think that a person who is the recipient of a life sentence, with or without parole, as opposed to the death sentence, is getting off easy, permit me to disavow you of the notion, please:

there have been nights I have longed to have been given the death sentence, due to the hell and torture prison has been for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For I tell you: this is no way to live. Some of us deserve to rot in here, for some of us have made violence a central part of our lives, and have zero remorse.

Then there are those like me, never been violent, and don't expect to ever again least it is out of self defense, or defense of another. And I can't help but feel that this life sentence has been cruel and unusual punishment, and excessive for a first and only violent crime.

But I must say, I'm deeply grateful that the death penalty was waived on us.For I, at least -- whether you think I deserve it, or not -- have the hope of tasting freedom gain some day. So is a life sentence just? Sure it is. Is it humane though? Some may think so, but at least in my case, I must say no.

I've had the best, most productive years, along with hopes, dream and goals shattered and snuffed out just as I snuffed an innocent life. But as my crime was inhumane, so is having a life sentence.

This place is punitive, not rehabilitative. No one cares if I'm reformed, they just hope I never see the light of day ever again. I can't say I blame you.

But I do ask, collectively of society, for a second chance. I've done my time and paid for my crime, and only wish to take care of my mother, and have the chance to show society that I'm in fact a contributing, law-abiding citizen of society.

This life sentence has been a torturous road, mentally/emotionally/spiritually. But it's a damn sight better than the death sentence.

To conclude: I have to say, no, the death penalty is not a deterrent, but only because people aren't thinking of it before their crime. But neither is it humane, because people deserve a second chance (this doesn't apply to repeat offenders, because obviously, they've been given countless "second chances").

Life sentences for first violent offences aren't too humane either. Trust me, I've suffered for almost 24 years in here myself, and I lost my true self in here. I'm only just finding that person -- the person my Christian grandparents raised me to be -- again and all along, my mother and grandparents have done this time with me and are guilty of nothing.

"Our actions have consequences that last long after us, entwining the present with the future in ways we cannot begin to understand. I have resolved a simple thing: I will do those things which make me happy today, and which I can also live with ten years from now."

the protagonist Penn Cage making a closing statement in the epilogue of Greg Iles' book The Quiet Game, ©1999.

I'm not sure what else to say. Just wanted to share this with you, as food for thought. I love you all and wish you Happy Holidays and a Blessed and Happy New Year. Please write or email me and include your info at: bellasprisonpen@gmail.com.

Love,

Bella

Are inmates "normal" people? What constitutes normal anyway?

"There had been no escape from the constant fear. fear, like the smell [of prison] had become a natural part of him, his world. Maybe that was why he was immune to it now.

Prison is no character builder... Prison strips you down to your barest state -- the state of nature, and what you do to survive is never pretty. No matter, he was out now. that was in the past, you move on."

(Musings from the character Wade LaRue in Harlen Cobens, Just one Look, page 328)

Geetings fans! Peace and love to you, and Namaste.

I was reading a novel the other day. I forget which one or whom it was written by, I read so many. Bless The God/ess(es) for books! Anyway, it was some sort of murder mystery, and some guy getting out of prison after some 12-15 years for a crime he wasn't guilty of -- he'd had his sentence overturned thanks to DNA evidence. 

The character was musing to himself as he was preparing to leave prison, as he said something to the effect of: "Ah, finally I'm getting out, back among normal people...".

Well, I'll tell you, because of all the bullying, mistreatments, hatefulness, racism, homophobia, transmisogyny, bigotry, selfishness, disrespect, inconsiderateness, and verbal, emotional and mental abuse I've witnessed and experienced personally in this place these past 23 years, as a knee jerk, reactionary response I agreed quickly: "Nah, for real though!"

I've always seen the folk in here, in general, as "other", different, or in any case not normal (whatever that is). And I do mean "other", "not normal" in a way not to be proud of, to be clear. I guess it comes from my personality, having grown up as a sort of sheltered square, raised in a conservative Christian home, both middle class while with my grandparents, and poverty-stricken and on welfare with my mother. I have been on both sides of the tracks.

I've always been loved and I've always had the things I needed, and much of what I wanted too (the latter while living with my grandparents). I say this as opposed to those poor, pitiful multitudes who have unfortunately grown up in broken homes, abused, neglected, or abandoned, for whom my heart breaks.

But as a result, these people "came up" in the streets for the most part, which is cut-throat and dog-eat-dog. I get it. One has to be a beast, almost, to survive. As a result, these folks grow up with some strange values and standards of conduct that in the streets might be normal, but among so-called civilized society is considered unacceptable, abhorrent behavior -- the behavior of folk with all sorts of mental disorders such as bipolar, manic depressive, paranoid, schizophrenic and so on.

So, I've always had a hard time "fitting in" in prison, and I guess that's a good thing. Who in their right mind wants to fit in with criminals, thugs, killers, and so on?

But this thing got me thinking: "wait a minute, Bella! You're in prison too! You're an inmate, not a CO or Law Enforcement, nor are you a "normal/freeworld" person. So I cringed and rebelled at that thought, declaring to myself: "but I AM NORMAL!", I'm not like these people (except for the depressing and regretful fact that I committed a murder, a senseless murder which, in my defense, I committed under a sort of duress). 

So I thought, OK, let's be fair, I'm obviously not the only so-called "normal" person in here. There are others. But let me tell you, they are definitely hard to find. Essentially, they're only found in church and school; the ones trying to better themselves spiritually, educationally, mentally, and emotionally

So I guess, in conclusion what I would like to say to you, freeworld people, is simple: please do interact with us, there are some decent people, in this very lonely, painful, indecent place, and we long to connect with other likeminded folk out there. Some of us just made the one, very bad, ill-fated choice for whatever crime we committed, and we've been paying for it for the rest of our lives since (for example, for me, prior to the crime I did solely to please my girlfriend, the worst thing I'd done was stealing bikes for transport).

But I caution you to be very prudent and discerning in your dealings with inmates, too, because some can be very deceptive, dishonest and manipulative. But still, what I hope you take from this post is that we aren't ALL messed-up, bad/evil people. So please, try to find the time and inclination to correspond with one or some of us -- the lost, forgotten, lonely imprisoned. Myself included, I could desperately use a friend, to get mail and be loved. As the Bible says: "Love covers a multitude of sins".

With that I close. I love you all, fam! I call you my fam because it is my desperate, fervent yearning to create my own homegrown, intimately-connected, multi-raced and multi-cultured family.

So Namaste, and blessed be!

Merry Met! Much Metta and Solidarity,

Bella Selene Mystique,
a.k.a. Sylinse,  a.k.a. Chameleon
bellasprisonpen@gmail.com

Anti-authoritarian? Pro-Establishment? Or something in between?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back and thank you for reading.

I address you all this morning because I have a conundrum I am wrestling with. But also because I wish to shine a light on a matter. I'm sure I'll piss off some of you with this, but perhaps that means I'm doing something right. For it is my goal to make you think. Too many of us have certain beliefs or preconceived notions about things, yet when challenged we often cannot defend why we have them or think the way we do. This should not be so.

This morning I was laying here wondering what to call what I am: anti-authoritarian? Pro-establishment? Or something in between? And if you are the latter, what would one call that? Let me clarify. 

I grew up in a loving but strict conservative Southern Baptist Christian home, with a healthy respect for law and order, and a love of God and country. However, I had behavioural issues, was diagnosed with ADHD, I had a smart mouth and a lack of respect for authority. But aside from this all, I still was a good kid overall: loving, forgiving, sensitive, gentle, compassionate. I still am. But I began to break the law as a petty thief as the immature irresponsible teen that I was. And everyone tried to convince me that I had a problem with authority or lack of respect thereof, so I began to believe it. Then I matured, albeit in prison. I never felt any hatred towards the police and still don't, I confess I don't trust our US government however, not totally. But again neither here nor there. I began to think perhaps that I was an anarchist.

That was until I came to prison and grew up, and began to observe how people behave and hear how they carry themselves how they treat the female correctional staff et cetera, which is appalling. Then I began corresponding with anarchists, activists, prison abolitionists and Marxist socialist organisations, which are helping prison folk to get by. I just wanted penpals, plus I was curious. I listened to their rhetoric, all well intentioned I'm sure, but they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And I wondered: have any of these people ever been to prison or just know folk who have, or none of the above? So I began to reevaluate my own vague notions of being anti-authoritarian and I wondered instead: am I pro-establishment? But that didn't feel right either. Had I never been incarcerated before, I might be able to be convinced that inmates are being victimised by correctional staff in here -- which sometimes they are. 

However, now that I have spent 23 1/2 years on a life sentence for murder in here and experienced and observed all the atrocities and verbal, mental, and emotional abuse, disrespect, bullying and trauma at the hands, mouths, thoughts and attitudes of inmates, and seen how they generally carry themselves, I have learnt what they value the most (drugs, crime and sex) with my own eyes and ears, I now know that in fact most of what these dudes suffer from in here comes as a result of their smart mouths and disrespectful, appalling behaviour. To be honest most of those in here are where they belong.

But I'm on a tangent. What I wondered to myself was: if I'm neither anti-authoritarian nor pro-establishment, then what on earth am I? Look everyone, especially the self-professed anarchists, prison abolitionists out there -- prisons are horrible, hateful and lonely places for sure. But prisons are a necessary evil. As long as we have killers, gangbanging thieves, dope-fiends and rapists, paedophiles and thieves loose in society there is a desperate need both for prisons and law enforcement officers (I speak to you here as a convicted felon with a life sentence for murder)! 

What we need is not less or no prisons, or to foolishly defund the police force (we shoot ourselves in the foot when we do that, if we truly wish for a civilised, law-abiding, safe society to raise our families in). No, what we do need are volunteers who are truly passionate and care about restorative justice, not simply punitive justice, i.e., locking people up and throwing away the key, because that is inhumane (as was done with me on my only violent crime). 

Anyway, before closing I would like to tell anyone who wishes to correspond with me via snail mail or JPay, please email me (bellasprisonpen@gmail.com) including your Snail Mail information as I cannot reply in any other way. My BFF and sister Lady G, who is uploading these blog posts for me, is in no way accountable for the views and opinions expressed here, she may or may not agree with them. She is simply a friend who is helping me out get my toughts on the web and hopefully connect with folk. So please, with all due respect, address your hate, critique, criticism, vitriol, as well as support and encouragement to me personally, Bella, via email or snail mail, I welcome it all. That's what freedom of speech is all about. 

Have a blessed, safe, happy, healthy, peaceful Labour Day and autumn. 

Bella

Welcome to my blog

Greetings ladies and gentlemen. I come to you this morning -- albeit via snail mail which my BFF and sister whom I shall call lady G has agreed to upload to the net for me -- from the restricted housing unit i.e. administrative segregation of the Robertson Unit in Abilene, Texas. A unit which is one among many in the not so great bureaucy that is the TDCJ (Texas Department of Criminal Justice some may say INjustice, I say it is somewhere in between). Today, in this first post, I wish to introduce myself and tell you why I am here, and why someone has created this blog for me.

I am a convicted felon, unfortunately, and much to my chagrin and shame I'm sorry to confess that at the age of 19 going on 13, in February 1999, I committed senseless murder for my girlfriend... And I have hated myself with a poisonous self-loathing for it ever since. But that's neither here nor there. I was a heterosexual Christian gentleman then. I am now a pansexual male with breasts from hormones who has a tendency to swing gender identities and has a cross dressing fetish. I am a New Age, aspiring, eclectic, solitary witch now. I'm borderline agnostic. Again, all neither here nor there. Simply part of my introduction. 

Anyhow, I go by Bella Selene Mystique. For now I won't mention my dead name; if anyone wishes to reply to, or to critique or comment upon this, or learn my government name and snail mail address you can send me an email to: bellasprisonpen@gmail.com and I'll be happy to get in touch. I would invite this as I have no computer or Internet access personally, but would love to receive snail mail from anyone who wishes to know more about me, and maybe make a new friend. With this blog, I only wish to create a discussion forum and a place to share my experience and thoughts with the world. Not sure how frequently I can post as I'm new to this and not totally sure what blogging is, or how to do it, I just wish to share my views create discussion and hopefully make friends in the free world and get as much snail mail as possible.  

I wish to get people thinking about why they believe what they believe, and I wish to connect with folk who are willing to connect with me to share intellectual stimulation, emotional, mental, and moral support, swap ideas, share dreams and goals. All feedback, input, or criticism is welcome.

Thank you for stopping by and reading this introductory post. I will be posting more thoughts soon, so please stay tuned and feel free to get in touch!

Bella