"There had been no escape from the constant fear. fear, like the smell [of prison] had become a natural part of him, his world. Maybe that was why he was immune to it now.
Prison is no character builder... Prison strips you down to your barest state -- the state of nature, and what you do to survive is never pretty. No matter, he was out now. that was in the past, you move on."
(Musings from the character Wade LaRue in Harlen Cobens, Just one Look, page 328)
Geetings fans! Peace and love to you, and Namaste.
I was reading a novel the other day. I forget which one or whom it was written by, I read so many. Bless The God/ess(es) for books! Anyway, it was some sort of murder mystery, and some guy getting out of prison after some 12-15 years for a crime he wasn't guilty of -- he'd had his sentence overturned thanks to DNA evidence.
The character was musing to himself as he was preparing to leave prison, as he said something to the effect of: "Ah, finally I'm getting out, back among normal people...".
Well, I'll tell you, because of all the bullying, mistreatments, hatefulness, racism, homophobia, transmisogyny, bigotry, selfishness, disrespect, inconsiderateness, and verbal, emotional and mental abuse I've witnessed and experienced personally in this place these past 23 years, as a knee jerk, reactionary response I agreed quickly: "Nah, for real though!"
I've always seen the folk in here, in general, as "other", different, or in any case not normal (whatever that is). And I do mean "other", "not normal" in a way not to be proud of, to be clear. I guess it comes from my personality, having grown up as a sort of sheltered square, raised in a conservative Christian home, both middle class while with my grandparents, and poverty-stricken and on welfare with my mother. I have been on both sides of the tracks.
I've always been loved and I've always had the things I needed, and much of what I wanted too (the latter while living with my grandparents). I say this as opposed to those poor, pitiful multitudes who have unfortunately grown up in broken homes, abused, neglected, or abandoned, for whom my heart breaks.
But as a result, these people "came up" in the streets for the most part, which is cut-throat and dog-eat-dog. I get it. One has to be a beast, almost, to survive. As a result, these folks grow up with some strange values and standards of conduct that in the streets might be normal, but among so-called civilized society is considered unacceptable, abhorrent behavior -- the behavior of folk with all sorts of mental disorders such as bipolar, manic depressive, paranoid, schizophrenic and so on.
So, I've always had a hard time "fitting in" in prison, and I guess that's a good thing. Who in their right mind wants to fit in with criminals, thugs, killers, and so on?
But this thing got me thinking: "wait a minute, Bella! You're in prison too! You're an inmate, not a CO or Law Enforcement, nor are you a "normal/freeworld" person. So I cringed and rebelled at that thought, declaring to myself: "but I AM NORMAL!", I'm not like these people (except for the depressing and regretful fact that I committed a murder, a senseless murder which, in my defense, I committed under a sort of duress).
So I thought, OK, let's be fair, I'm obviously not the only so-called "normal" person in here. There are others. But let me tell you, they are definitely hard to find. Essentially, they're only found in church and school; the ones trying to better themselves spiritually, educationally, mentally, and emotionally
So I guess, in conclusion what I would like to say to you, freeworld people, is simple: please do interact with us, there are some decent people, in this very lonely, painful, indecent place, and we long to connect with other likeminded folk out there. Some of us just made the one, very bad, ill-fated choice for whatever crime we committed, and we've been paying for it for the rest of our lives since (for example, for me, prior to the crime I did solely to please my girlfriend, the worst thing I'd done was stealing bikes for transport).
But I caution you to be very prudent and discerning in your dealings with inmates, too, because some can be very deceptive, dishonest and manipulative. But still, what I hope you take from this post is that we aren't ALL messed-up, bad/evil people. So please, try to find the time and inclination to correspond with one or some of us -- the lost, forgotten, lonely imprisoned. Myself included, I could desperately use a friend, to get mail and be loved. As the Bible says: "Love covers a multitude of sins".
With that I close. I love you all, fam! I call you my fam because it is my desperate, fervent yearning to create my own homegrown, intimately-connected, multi-raced and multi-cultured family.
So Namaste, and blessed be!
Merry Met! Much Metta and Solidarity,
Bella Selene Mystique,
a.k.a. Sylinse, a.k.a. Chameleon
bellasprisonpen@gmail.com
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