Anti-authoritarian? Pro-Establishment? Or something in between?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back and thank you for reading.

I address you all this morning because I have a conundrum I am wrestling with. But also because I wish to shine a light on a matter. I'm sure I'll piss off some of you with this, but perhaps that means I'm doing something right. For it is my goal to make you think. Too many of us have certain beliefs or preconceived notions about things, yet when challenged we often cannot defend why we have them or think the way we do. This should not be so.

This morning I was laying here wondering what to call what I am: anti-authoritarian? Pro-establishment? Or something in between? And if you are the latter, what would one call that? Let me clarify. 

I grew up in a loving but strict conservative Southern Baptist Christian home, with a healthy respect for law and order, and a love of God and country. However, I had behavioural issues, was diagnosed with ADHD, I had a smart mouth and a lack of respect for authority. But aside from this all, I still was a good kid overall: loving, forgiving, sensitive, gentle, compassionate. I still am. But I began to break the law as a petty thief as the immature irresponsible teen that I was. And everyone tried to convince me that I had a problem with authority or lack of respect thereof, so I began to believe it. Then I matured, albeit in prison. I never felt any hatred towards the police and still don't, I confess I don't trust our US government however, not totally. But again neither here nor there. I began to think perhaps that I was an anarchist.

That was until I came to prison and grew up, and began to observe how people behave and hear how they carry themselves how they treat the female correctional staff et cetera, which is appalling. Then I began corresponding with anarchists, activists, prison abolitionists and Marxist socialist organisations, which are helping prison folk to get by. I just wanted penpals, plus I was curious. I listened to their rhetoric, all well intentioned I'm sure, but they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And I wondered: have any of these people ever been to prison or just know folk who have, or none of the above? So I began to reevaluate my own vague notions of being anti-authoritarian and I wondered instead: am I pro-establishment? But that didn't feel right either. Had I never been incarcerated before, I might be able to be convinced that inmates are being victimised by correctional staff in here -- which sometimes they are. 

However, now that I have spent 23 1/2 years on a life sentence for murder in here and experienced and observed all the atrocities and verbal, mental, and emotional abuse, disrespect, bullying and trauma at the hands, mouths, thoughts and attitudes of inmates, and seen how they generally carry themselves, I have learnt what they value the most (drugs, crime and sex) with my own eyes and ears, I now know that in fact most of what these dudes suffer from in here comes as a result of their smart mouths and disrespectful, appalling behaviour. To be honest most of those in here are where they belong.

But I'm on a tangent. What I wondered to myself was: if I'm neither anti-authoritarian nor pro-establishment, then what on earth am I? Look everyone, especially the self-professed anarchists, prison abolitionists out there -- prisons are horrible, hateful and lonely places for sure. But prisons are a necessary evil. As long as we have killers, gangbanging thieves, dope-fiends and rapists, paedophiles and thieves loose in society there is a desperate need both for prisons and law enforcement officers (I speak to you here as a convicted felon with a life sentence for murder)! 

What we need is not less or no prisons, or to foolishly defund the police force (we shoot ourselves in the foot when we do that, if we truly wish for a civilised, law-abiding, safe society to raise our families in). No, what we do need are volunteers who are truly passionate and care about restorative justice, not simply punitive justice, i.e., locking people up and throwing away the key, because that is inhumane (as was done with me on my only violent crime). 

Anyway, before closing I would like to tell anyone who wishes to correspond with me via snail mail or JPay, please email me (bellasprisonpen@gmail.com) including your Snail Mail information as I cannot reply in any other way. My BFF and sister Lady G, who is uploading these blog posts for me, is in no way accountable for the views and opinions expressed here, she may or may not agree with them. She is simply a friend who is helping me out get my toughts on the web and hopefully connect with folk. So please, with all due respect, address your hate, critique, criticism, vitriol, as well as support and encouragement to me personally, Bella, via email or snail mail, I welcome it all. That's what freedom of speech is all about. 

Have a blessed, safe, happy, healthy, peaceful Labour Day and autumn. 

Bella